i'm back for more.

For the past year and a half I've been too busy to think about blogging. But I've recently found myself without a lot to do, but with much more to say. So here it goes again... I'm back for more.

It's amazing to me how quickly things change and how fast we need to grow. Since the last time I posted anything on this blog, I've gone through a lot. I've dated, had my heart re-broken, gone to a wedding, saw my friend's new baby, saw my friend's new nieces, finished MA school, got a new job, got fucked over, got yelled at, saw my sister off to college, laughed my ass off, cried my eyes out, went to London, made new friends, lost old friends, figured out that your true friends will love you no matter who you become or where you go, and realized that family is more important than I ever knew.

This Saturday, one of my oldest friends is getting married to her high school sweetheart. I wish them a life of incredible health and happiness together. I hope their wedding is everything they've ever dreamed of. I hope it's a gorgeous day (as weather.com says it should be) and I hope they remember it forever. Alex & Mike, congratulations. I love you both.

When such a close friend of mine gets married I can't help but think of my own future. How did they know they were meant to be together forever? Do they go through times of great passion and then times of just pure friendship? Is "the one" really the only one for you? And if it is, how do you know you picked the right person? I have only had one healthy relationship in my life, and we broke up due to serious confusion. I don't know what it takes to make a relationship work because I clearly never stood a chance.

save the drama

Fake: noun, anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is; counterfeit. Last I checked, real friends shouldn't be stabbing eachother in the back. What also comes to mind is: mind your own business. I find that if my name is not directly involved in a given situation, I won't be the first one to stick my nose in the conversation and/or business of others where I know it doesn't belong. I am so tired of girls running their mouths when they have no idea what they're talking about. Lying and talking badly about your so-called friends isn't attractive. In fact, it's everything but. It's ugly. Not to mention, when you're pretty strapped for people to befriend you, it's not exactly the kind of motives that make you a company magnet. All I know right now is that I have to choose my friends wisely and make sure that I treat everyone with respect and kindness so that no one has a bad thing to say about me. I've always wanted to be that sweet girl that everyone loves to be around. Some people say I am, but I've always been kind of known to be on the bitchy side. Let's switch it uppppp.

hate is easy; love takes courage

In the past few weeks I've learned the hard way that hate is so easy. It's easy to be angry with someone for upsetting you, or not understanding you the way you want them to. I tried so hard to get him to see it my way. But when I was told "you're hitting a brick wall," I finally realized he was right. Although it's not the same wall we're talking about, it sure is a wall nonetheless. It came to me that he was just never going to understand my point of view. Unfortunately, some people are too thick-headed and wrapped up in themselves to see life any other way. From that day forward I refused to ever look at the world with my head shoved up my own ass; not that I made a habit of it prior to the revelation. I want to be happy and loved by all those around me. I am a people pleaser, and he was impossible to please. Even now, my stomach turns with anxiety thinking about the past with him. This road is going to be long and nothing short of rocky, but I think once I reach the fork, I'll be able to make a decision about going a new and different way. Sometimes I go to bed so sad, and nights are definitely the hardest to get through, but when I wake up and the sun is shining into my bedroom, and I have a whole day ahead of me, somehow I feel okay again. And in the end, I'd take feeling just okay over feeling distraught and not good enough. The clouds will part and the silver lining will break through. hate is easy; love takes courage. But sometimes, it's the walking away from it that truly is brave.